#AskBrotherWord - Keeping Secrets

Hi BrotherWord,

I’m desperate and I need help ASAP.  I’m supposed to marry my fiancé in 2 weeks and as it gets closer, my anxiety is rising.  I’ve been keeping a secret that I’ve been living with for 17 years that I haven’t shared with anyone.  My mother doesn’t know, my friends don’t know, and my soon-to-be husband has no idea.  The thing is, I don’t want to start my marriage with secrets, but I have no idea how my fiance may react or if this will change his image of me.  I’m almost to the point of walking away altogether.

Help please,

Keeping Secrets

Hi Keeping Secrets,

Whatever secret you have been carrying has definitely taken a toll on you.  Secrets are a tremendous burden to carry and the more a person carries a secret the heavier it becomes.  Some secrets are good; they are a bond between people that builds a special connection.  Secrets can also be destructive, as they tend to tear people apart, isolate them, and cause mental, emotional, and physical distress.  Carrying a secret in silence is not an easy task and it will manifest in other facets of your life.

Whatever secret you are holding onto, my first bit of advice is to come to terms with what happened 17 years ago.  It is obvious that whatever transpired has had a profound affect on you, so much so, that you have chosen not to reveal it to anyone else.  It may be you have not been ready to deal with what happened, you feel it will cause hurt to someone else, dealing with it will be too painful or possibly embarrassing, but whatever the case, today is the day to release that secret.  You can no longer let whatever happened keep you captive and stagnant.

You are on the horizon of one of the most exciting parts of life – being married – and you are ready to walk away because of the past.  What else have you walked away from?  How many other opportunities have slipped away?  How many relationships have faltered, all because of this secret?  Are you really willing to continue to sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind?  The secret itself is not the sole detriment, but the constant, unnecessary pressure of keeping it hidden that is debilitating and damaging.  Now is the time to release this secret and subsequently, release yourself to truly enjoy life.

Aside from releasing the secret, the second hardest part will be revealing it.  I implore you to find someone who you can trust and confide in, a psychologist, clergyman, counselor {contact me directly and we will work through this together}, friend, relative, or even your fiancé.  Unburden yourself and let the past finally settle.  You will instantaneously feel all the weight that you have been carrying disperse.  The next hard thing is to postpone the wedding.  I know that may be the last thing you may want to hear, but I would not advocate going into a lifetime commitment with such a secret, a secret that has had you paralyzed for so long.  It is not fair to your fiancé, the relationship, or yourself.  Furthermore, you want to enter your marriage as whole and complete as possible, just as you would want from your future husband.  Allow him the opportunity to make an informed decision knowing the facts, or at least knowing your past still has a stronghold on you that you are working through.  You will be pleasantly surprised how much love can conquer and overcome, especially when it joins two people in a common cause.  Your husband was designed to be your protector, confidant, supporter, best friend, and encourager, so let him love all of you.  The vows you will share mention for better or for worse, good times and bad; that includes past, present, and future.

This secret you have been holding onto comes to an end today.  I’m not going to pretend that it will be easy or happen without work, but it is worth it and it is time to reclaim your life.  It is time for you to let go of the past and work toward the future.  No longer will you allow your secret to ruin your present or hold you captive.  Today is the day your new life begins!

Are you holding onto secrets and have they adversely affected your life?  How have your secrets or the secrets of others complicated life?  Leave your comments here or @BrotherWord with the hashtag #KeepingSecrets.  Let’s work together on releasing whatever is holding us back.

“Sometimes just the act of sharing a painful secret can relieve some of the pain.” ~ Unknown