#AskBrotherWord - Together Alone

BrotherWord,

Really not sure what to do.  I don’t want to be labeled as the cheating husband, but what do you do when your needs aren’t met at home.  And I’m not talking about physical needs, not to say that isn’t a problem too, but the connection on a mental and emotional level it takes to sustain a relationship.  I love my wife, but she stopped being my wife long ago.  She’s wrapped up in herself, the kids, her job, her family, her friends, and everything else but me and our marriage.  I’m tired of being taken for granted and neglected.  The saying is true, whatever is missing at home can be found elsewhere, and I’m beginning to look elsewhere.  Please help before this gets too far out of hand.

Sincerely,

Together Alone

Together Alone,

I appreciate you reaching out to BrotherWord.  It takes a brave man to seek help and I applaud you for doing so before things get too far out of hand.  The sad news is that many women don’t realize or often overlook the fact that as men, we like to be shown appreciation and consideration as well.  I understand wholeheartedly that your wife has many things pulling at her, including the kids, work, and sustaining the home.  Nonetheless, your marriage is just as important, if not more than all the above.  The union and bond you share is paramount and the basis for everything else.  Without it everything else begins to crumble.

Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel?  If you haven’t, it’s long overdue.  It’s not the time to be prideful or unwilling to express your feelings.  This is your wife, the woman you still love and vowed your allegiance to.  Also, she may be unaware of how you feel or that she has neglected you or taken you for granted.  Give her a fair opportunity to rectify things.  Many relationships fall into the “comfort zone” and start going through the motions as their day-to-day routine becomes stale and mundane.

You also have to look inward and ask yourself what have you done to contribute to the problems.  It is not the easiest thing to do and it’s much simpler to pass blame, but you bear some of the responsibility as well.  Have you done your part to keep the flames ignited, to engage your wife mentally and emotionally, to help with the kids and home so she is less burdened and has more time and energy for you?  Sometimes we have to show our significant others how to love us by setting an example and loving them in the same manner we wish to be loved.  Imitation is the best form of flattery and if you consistently demonstrate your love, appreciation, and desire for your wife it will be reciprocated a hundred-fold!

This is where things get tricky.  Wherever you have been looking, STOP!  The saying is also true, if you go looking for something, you are sure to find it… and maybe in all the wrong places.  Sure it is nice to find camaraderie, conversation, and a connection , especially from the opposite sex, but it can also further damage an already frail relationship.  Think about how you would feel if you discovered that your wife was finding comfort from a male friend in the areas you are lacking.  Not a good image right?  So why put your wife in that situation or jeopardize your marriage?  Most affairs begin from an emotional connection opposed to a physical attraction.  The mental and emotional stimuli you are seeking from others needs to be restored with your wife.  If you didn’t want to have that feeling again with your wife you would have never reached out.  It may not be what it was when you first got together, before the kids and careers and life’s adventures, but who’s to say it can not be better?  What you put into is what you will get out of it.  It’s like going to the gym.  If you only go sparingly, it’s unlikely you will see great results.  But if you are dedicated, going often, putting in the work, you are bound to see the results you desire.

No difference than your marriage; you can not participate sparingly or not put in the work, but then expect to get a desired result.  Every relationship is the byproduct of the effort put into it.  Also, like your gym workout, results will not appear overnight, but gradually you will see the difference as you continue to persevere.  Consistency breeds positive results.  Stay the course in your marriage and practice healthy, consistent habits that build and nurture your wife and your relationship and you will begin to receive all that you seek.

Do you think Together Alone‘s marriage can be restored?  What do you think about BrotherWord’s advice – on point or far-fetched?  Leave your comments here or on facebook.com/BrotherWord.  None of us have to be alone. It’s a matter of seeking out what and who we want and making an earnest effort to achieve it.  Whether that be a relationship, a career, or a goal, you are never alone in your pursuit.