Chained To The Past


BrotherWord - Ask BrotherWord - Chaines To The Past

Dear BrotherWord,

I’ve been dating this lady for almost 8 months now and I truly love her.  We have a great chemistry, rapport, and I’m at my best when I’m with her.  When I think of her, I think of the future, longevity, bliss!  I’m pretty sure she feels the same, too, as we’ve had numerous conversations about marriage, family, and all those things you talk about when you’re in it for the long haul.  My dilemma is that I’m still married!  It takes the breath out of me to even say it and worst, she doesn’t know (hangs head low).  I married very young, a rebellious move against my parents.  Of course they were right and soon after, I was separated.  She moved to another state and neither of us went through with actually getting a divorce; we just stopped being married.   Now, years later, I find myself thinking of marriage and being haunted by my mistakes.  And to complicate matters more, I have no idea where my ex lives or how to find her.  How do I tell my love without losing her?


Chained To the Past

Hi Chained To the past,

Thank you for reaching out.  Congratulations on finding love and wanting to build a future.  That is a beautiful thing and I can read how much you care for your newfound love and your desire to build a future with her.

As in most relationships, we aren’t sure where things will lead and although those initial conversations are fact-seeking missions, we still tend to hold something back, especially when it is that monumental.  It’s a calculated risk and each person weighs the options of full-disclosure versus airing their dirty laundry.  You never know how it may be received and if the ramifications that may ensue will cause permanent damage.  Hoping judgment won’t be passed and it won’t hinder or tarnish the relationship you’re trying to create is a chess game at best and the beginning of the end at worst. 

All of that said, it’s time to talk to your love.  It is not fair to her and if it was reversed, how would you feel?  It is a difficult conversation, but a very necessary one.  You’ve passed the phase of exploration and it seems the two of you have settled into a commitment to take the relationship as far as it can possibly go.  If indeed that is the case, she deserves to know what she is in store for and what is going on.  It is important that you convey to her your feelings and desires and that you want a future together.  Explain to her that she brings everything to the table that you want and hopefully you do the same for her.

It is paramount that you explain that your feelings for her are not what’s holding you back; that you are not afraid of commitment or backing away.  You want to assure and affirm your love for her and desire to build upon that love.  The question you will have to answer is “If you love me so much, why weren’t you honest, and tell me this in the beginning?”  Tough question and no right answer.  It’s up to you to convince her that you never meant to deceive her nor betray her trust in you and you’re pursuing every avenue to rectify the situation (contact a divorce attorney immediately).  Present her with the divorce documents, attorney’s information, whatever it may be to show her your diligence and sincerity.  Reiterate your commitment to her and a future with her and how you’re making sure there are no more roadblocks or setbacks.

Then you have to let her process however she needs.  This will be the hardest part, because you will want to hold on tighter, convince more, state your case, demonstrate your undying love.  You can’t.  Sometimes love means giving space, letting go, and trusting in the power of love.  She will need time to digest, figure out if she can truly trust you, decide if she wants to deal with a married man, albeit separated for years.  She will have a period of self-reflection and soul searching and replaying the past 8 months wondering if there is anything else you haven’t told her.  Patience is the key here. When she has questions, answer without reservation or feeling as if you’re being interrogated.  Reminder, this is the bed you made and now you have to lie in it.  It may take time, but prayerfully, she’ll also remember all the great and wonderful things about you and the relationship you’ve shared.

It sounds like a foundation has been built and after the storm, the two of you will have a promising future together.  Wishing all the best in love and happiness and make sure to invite BrotherWord to the nuptials!  🙂

Peace & Blessings,



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