Dear BrotherWord,
I’m in desperate need of some help. My sex life is ruining my relationship. I truly care for my boyfriend and other than our sex life, our relationship is pretty good. But lately… When we first started dating it took awhile for us to become intimate. Initially, I simply took it as him taking his time and was flattered that unlike other guys I dated, he was actually taking time getting to know me instead of trying to get in my pants. The first time we had sex, two months after we began dating, it was straightforward, missionary, no foreplay, like how you would imagine what would happen on “Leave It To Beaver” if they showed a sex scene… BORING! I chalked it up to him being nervous, again respectful of me, and next time he would loosen up and be more outgoing, adventurous, exciting. Nothing. Next time, almost 3 weeks later, same stale, conventional unsatisfying sex. I gave it one more chance and got the same results. I like this guy, but we are NOT sexually compatible. It’s not like I’m trying to reinvent karma sutra, but I do like variety and spice in the bedroom. Furthermore, when I’m in a relationship, I enjoy sex and want it often. It’s to the point I’m avoiding my boyfriend and making excuses not to see him. Worse, I’m pleasuring myself even though I’m in a relationship. Defeats the purpose don’t you think? If it doesn’t change soon, I don’t think it’s going to work out. I may risk losing an otherwise great guy, but I can’t continue like this. Help!
Not Satisfied
Dear Not Satisfied,
Thank you for reaching out to BrotherWord and trusting me with a very sensitive situation. There are no easy or comfortable solutions and sexual compatibility is a major component in relationships. The tricky part is until you actually consummate the relationship, there really isn’t a true barometer to measure whether or not you and your partner are sexually aligned.
Before you totally abandon “an otherwise great guy,” let’s examine all possibilities. Your boyfriend may not be as sexually experienced as you are or may not be comfortable beyond “traditional” sexual ideologies. Sexual tendencies are largely a replication of observed behaviors despite what many may think. If someone is raised in a home where intimacy is seldom demonstrated and sex is treated as taboo, or a terrifying and tormenting ordeal, or worse, a vulgar act with horrific outcomes, certain stigmatisms, insecurities, and fears can arise and linger.
Before you walk away and if you truly desire a future with this guy, have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about your concerns and desires. At least give him the courtesy and respect of knowing why you have distanced yourself. How can you expect him to meet your needs if he doesn’t know what those needs are? Remember though, the male ego is fragile and should be navigated lightly and with tact. Be honest with him, let him know what you like and how you like it and try not to freak him out… at least not yet.
Offer to experience new things with him and excite him with all the possibilities you can share together and how it can be and will be pleasurable for both of you. If necessary, find books, videos, or even classes that will serve as an outside source of information and will alleviate some of the awkwardness of your sexual experience and his lack thereof. One simple and easy way to break the ice is to gradually demonstrate the sort of affection and attention you desire. It will not only set the mood, but will also serve as subtle way of teaching him how to please you in return.
The drawback is that it may be too much or too soon. There is no overnight solution nor is it known why he may have a subdued or repressed sexual demeanor. Until multiple conversations take place and possibly professional counseling, the best recourse is patience and as much understanding as you can muster. Develop his trust, which will eventually tear down the walls of insecurity and fear and allow him to free himself and become more open to not only you, but also himself and new experiences. You may initially become more frustrated mentally and physically along the way, but with the right reinforcement, you can possibly groom your ideal sexual partner who also happens to be a great guy!
Hang in there and explore every avenue before giving up or seeking others to fulfill your desires. Self-gratification may be your temporary outlet now, but hopefully soon you’ll be able to enjoy a mutually satisfying relationship in every manner, including sexually. Anything worth having is worth working for and I would surmise that if you didn’t think it was worth it, you would have already moved on. Patience is one of the seven “heavenly virtues” and it may take a ton of patience and prayer, but it can be greater later.
Do you have any suggestions for Not Satisfied? Do you think BrotherWord’s advice is helpful or did he leave something out? If you have any questions and need help tackling life’s challenges or love’s triangles, or just want advice to help you traverse your journey, #AskBrotherWord.